The Indifferent

Fiercely ambivalent since 2010

Category: UK

Most sentences that start “I’m not racist, but…” actually a bit racist, survey reveals

SHROPSHIRE. When people start a sentence with “I’m not racist, but…”, they generally tend to follow it up with something a little bit racist, it was revealed today.

“It stands to reason, when you think about it”, explained Dr. Nero Sparboom, Professor of Linguistics at Shropshire, who has spent the last ten years studying what people say right after they say I’m not racist, but. “You don’t often hear people say ‘I’m not racist, but I’m just off to the shops to get a pint of milk’. There’s really no need to qualify your lack of racism there. Compare that with‘I’m not racist, but the bloody foreigners are ruining this country’ – clearly a more appropriate use of the phrase, as it helps to deflect the subsequent casual racism.”

The new research will certainly be a blow to casual racists across the country, who had until now been successfully disguising their intolerant xenophonic opinions with the simple four word phrase. “It’s getting harder to be a little bit racist without anyone noticing”, said Bob, 48, a simple minded bigot from Surrey. “I’m thinking of starting more sentences with ‘you people’ or ‘the trouble with this country is’ instead.”

News anchor feels personal responsibility to take everyone in entire world to task

LONDON. A television news anchor from London feels a deep personal responsibility to ask everyone in the entire world tough questions, it was revealed today. In a frank interview with himself, John Gator, 57, made the admission after he backed himself into a corner with an uncomfortable line of questioning.

“I always have to challenge everything anyone says”, Gator explained. “It’s my duty as a journalist. Why is the coffee pot empty? Who in power allowed that to happen? What is the future for that coffee pot? The public have a right to know the answers”.

Gator also questioned himself on the subject of his private life, saying “the public have a right to know who their news anchor really is”. Gator was unrepentant, however, defending his recent decisions, including accusing his friends of “flip-flopping” for not turning up to the pub when they said they would and asking his son if he considered his position “untenable” after he forgot his father’s birthday. “Whenever anyone says anything, anything at all, it must be challenged”, Gator told viewers. “People needs to learn that if they ever make mistakes, everyone in the world will know.”

Nothing wrong with Punch and Judy politics, says Punch

Punch & Judy
Creative Commons License photo credit: alexbrn

Childrens entertainer Punch today leapt to the defense of so called “Punch and Judy politics”, insisting it had been “unfairly maligned” by opponents trying to discredit him ahead of the general election in May. Speaking in South London, where he is contesting the Croydon North seat on behalf of the Seaside Puppet Party, Punch insisted that Punch And Just politics was exactly what the country needed to help it out of the current ecomomic downturn.

“Some people may call it Punch and Judy politics, but to my wife Judy and I it is more than that. It’s our way of life,” Punch explained. “Whenever disputes need to be resolved, the most effective way is nearly always to whack someone on the head for the entertainment of others. Laughter and visual comedy are a sound basis for a system of goverment.”

At today’s press conference Punch also unveiled his manifesto for the forthcoming election. Key policies objectives include telling jokes, whacking people with a stick and generally making everyone “Pleased as Punch”.

Commuter aghast at 6 minute wait for tube

Creative Commons License
credit: [phil h]

LONDON. A regular rush hour commuter was left open-mouthed earlier today, after learning the next tube would not arrive at the platform for 6 minutes. Molly Jones, 29, was standing on the northbound Victoria Line platform at Green Park when she received the terrible news. “6 minutes is ridiculous”, Jones told reporters. “1 or 2 minutes is totally fine; 3 or 4 is disappointing; I’ve heard stories of 5 minutes before but 6 minutes is unprecedented. I didn’t even have a book or iPod with me. I was forced to just stare into space and got a little bit bored”.

The delay added as much as five minutes to Jones’ regular 50 minute commute, meaning that she only arrived at work five minutes early, rather than her usual ten.

Compare the meerkat now fifth most popular meerkat comparison site

RUSSIA. Following a high profile and relentless disambiguation campaign, Russian website has now become the world’s fifth most popular destination for users seeking to compare meerkats. Though the advertisements initially started to help redirect lost Internet users looking to compare car insurance policies, Compare The Meerkat has now itself started to grow in popularity – a welcome surprise to founder Alexandr Orlov.

“We started the adverts because we were seeing lots people looking for car insurance”, Orlov explained. “It was all pretty altruistic to begin with – I wanted to use some of my money for good so I decided to help clarify the confusion. We’ve seen a real boost in our own traffic, though – it’s unexpected but really pleasing.”