The Indifferent

LONDON. The jury was sworn in this morning at the trial of the Passive Voice, a grammatical construction which is occused of commiting a string of crimes stretching back to the invention of the newspaper 400 years ago. The charges against The Voice were detailed at length this morning, ranging from murdering people who were murdered and stealing things that were stolen to beating up people who were beaten up and laundering money that was laundered.

There has been a lot of media hype surrounding the trial, the first of its kind since the infamous “subjunctive trials”, and the presiding judge, Donald Kelly, issued strict instructions to the jury. “You will all have some relationship to The Passive Voice”, he said at the start of the trial this morning. “You will all know about some things that are or have been done, but you must disregard them. I must ask you also to disregard the previous good work conducted by the defendant, and concentrate solely on the charges at hand”, he added – referring of course to the many achievments with which The Passive Voice is credited, such as people who were rescued, miracles that were performed and men who were created equal.
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photo credit: eb0la

LONDON. A conglomerate of major news broadcasters today came together to announce they would no longer be covering anything that happened more than twenty-four hours ago, branding it “yesterday’s news”. The broadcasters, who include BBC, Sky, ITV and CNN, revealed they instead intend to focus on real-time breaking news and commentary. The move was widely forecast by industry experts. “The time when viewers wanted news reporting to be accurate and reliable has come and gone”, said Mark Johnson, a London-based media analyst. “What people want is to know what’s happening now. No one cares if it’s important or true – so long as it’s happening now. People who watch twenty-four hour news channels don’t want twenty-five or twenty-six hour news. They want twenty-four hour news.”
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LONDON. Security services have been put on heightened alert tonight fearing mass anarchy after literally thousands of people took literally two minutes to go onto the Internet and purchases a song they literally didn’t even want to listen to. “They said protest was dead– they said people didn’t care– now they have a timely reminder of how people can achieve something really pretty inconsequential if they all come together. It’s a victory for democracy”, said some guy who had been hassling everyone to buy the goddamm song as if it could change the world or something.

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