LONDON. The chiefs of many of Britain’s leading Trade Unions today refused to call any mad strikes or generally wind anyone up, after the Union Of Union Leaders called for an immediate strike citing a lack of respect for their members. UoUL issued a statement saying that “union leaders have been pilloried for too long … [they] deserve some damn respect and they won’t be making any unrealistic demands to employers until they get it”. Continue Reading

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WESTMINSTER. Scandal once again engulfed the Labour Government today, following a series of increasingly sordid revelations about the Secretary of State for Transport, Lord Adonis. Documents released this morning by classical scholars at the University of Shropshire implicated Adonis in a series of bizarre events stretching back thousands of years.

The new research, which apparently took the researchers as long as 30 minutes to compile – using a combination of Google and Wikipedia – details how Adonis’ mother turned into a tree, (from which Adonis himself came forth); how he spent time as the lover of greek goddess Aphrodite; and how he is able to act as a member of Her Majesty’s Government despite having been killed while hunting wild boar.

For his part, Lord Adonis insisted it was simply a case mistaken identity, and that he “not the Adonis you are looking for.”  Lord Mandelson was also quick to leap to the defence of The Adonis, saying that the whole thing was “a fabrication cooked up by the Conservatives, no doubt in league with Persephone, who wish to take Adonis to the Underworld, and keep him for themselves for all eternity.”

SHROPSHIRE. When people start a sentence with “I’m not racist, but…”, they generally tend to follow it up with something a little bit racist, it was revealed today.

“It stands to reason, when you think about it”, explained Dr. Nero Sparboom, Professor of Linguistics at Shropshire, who has spent the last ten years studying what people say right after they say I’m not racist, but. “You don’t often hear people say ‘I’m not racist, but I’m just off to the shops to get a pint of milk’. There’s really no need to qualify your lack of racism there. Compare that with‘I’m not racist, but the bloody foreigners are ruining this country’ – clearly a more appropriate use of the phrase, as it helps to deflect the subsequent casual racism.”

The new research will certainly be a blow to casual racists across the country, who had until now been successfully disguising their intolerant xenophonic opinions with the simple four word phrase. “It’s getting harder to be a little bit racist without anyone noticing”, said Bob, 48, a simple minded bigot from Surrey. “I’m thinking of starting more sentences with ‘you people’ or ‘the trouble with this country is’ instead.”

LONDON. A television news anchor from London feels a deep personal responsibility to ask everyone in the entire world tough questions, it was revealed today. In a frank interview with himself, John Gator, 57, made the admission after he backed himself into a corner with an uncomfortable line of questioning.

“I always have to challenge everything anyone says”, Gator explained. “It’s my duty as a journalist. Why is the coffee pot empty? Who in power allowed that to happen? What is the future for that coffee pot? The public have a right to know the answers”.

Gator also questioned himself on the subject of his private life, saying “the public have a right to know who their news anchor really is”. Gator was unrepentant, however, defending his recent decisions, including accusing his friends of “flip-flopping” for not turning up to the pub when they said they would and asking his son if he considered his position “untenable” after he forgot his father’s birthday. “Whenever anyone says anything, anything at all, it must be challenged”, Gator told viewers. “People needs to learn that if they ever make mistakes, everyone in the world will know.”

photo credit: alexbrn

Childrens entertainer Punch today leapt to the defense of so called “Punch and Judy politics”, insisting it had been “unfairly maligned” by opponents trying to discredit him ahead of the general election in May . Speaking in South London, where he is contesting the Croydon North seat on behalf of the Seaside Puppet Party, Punch insisted that Punch And Just politics was exactly what the country needed to help it out of the current ecomomic downturn.

“Some people may call it Punch and Judy politics, but to my wife Judy and I it is more than that. It’s our way of life,”  Punch explained. “Whenever disputes need to be resolved, the most effective way is nearly always to whack someone on the head for the entertainment of others. Laughter and visual comedy are a sound basic for a system of goverment.”

At today’s press conference Punch also unveiled his manifesto for the forthcoming election. Key policies objectives include telling jokes, whacking people with a stick and generally making everyone “Pleased as Punch”.

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COPENHAGEN. Ice cold temperatures in Northern Europe have emerged today a major roadblock in the stalled climate change negotiations. At this afternoon’s press conference, world leaders surprised the assembled presspack by admitting they were struggling to stay focused on the matter in hand. “It’s been tough,” admitted Hilary Clinton, US Secretary of State. “People are talking about a possible rise of 1.5 to 5 degrees celsius over the next century, but it’s hard to think about that right now.We’re deadlocked on more important questions, like if we remembered to buy de-icer and if we can afford to have that central heating on for a little bit longer”. Continue Reading