photo credit: La Tête Krançien

WESTMINSTER. Government budgets are too big to understand; the best fiscal policy is pure luck; large budgets are more easily understood when converted into an equivalent number of expensive bottles of champagne. Those were among the surprises revealed today by the Chancellor, who, in a rare unguarded – and possibly inebriated – press conference at the Treasury, revealed perhaps more than he intended about the genesis of the government’s fiscal policy.

“I mean, let’s be honest, pretty much nobody understand numbers once they get above a billion”, the Chancellor said, responding to a journalist who had asked if the Chancellor fully understood the scale of the cuts being proposed in the forthcoming budget.. “If somebody says to me, what’s the difference between £200 and £300, I’d say, easy – a nice lunch in Mayfair with a glass of champagne. But if someone says what’s the different between £20 billion and £30 billion, I think it’s fair to say that no one really knows. Is this government department worth £20 billion a year or £30 billion? Really, it hurts your brain if you try and think about what that difference of £10 billion means. It makes more sense to use something you really understand the value of, so I use Dom Pérignon ’61, which I think everyone can relate to. For example, this year we have to pay down £47 billion in interest on our debt. How much is that? Is it a lot? It’s just a number. But if I tell you that it works out as 117,500,000 bottles of Dom Pérignon ’61 then I think you’ll agree that fuck yeah, that’s a lot.”

LONDON. The chiefs of many of Britain’s leading Trade Unions today refused to call any mad strikes or generally wind anyone up, after the Union Of Union Leaders called for an immediate strike citing a lack of respect for their members. UoUL issued a statement saying that “union leaders have been pilloried for too long … [they] deserve some damn respect and they won’t be making any unrealistic demands to employers until they get it”.

The move will be welcomed by many ordinary people, who will be happy to, at least temporarily, not be at the whim of wildcat strikes. Union members, on the other hand, will not be able to take any action until the strike is over, and are faced with the awkward paradox of needing to break the strike in order to go out on strike themselves.

“Most industrial disputes are rooted in a breakdown of communication between staff and employees”, a disgruntled union member told reporters earlier. “With the union leaders out on strike, who is going to break that communication down?”

“It stands to reason, when you think about it”, explained Dr. Nero Sparboom, Professor of Linguistics at Shropshire, who has spent the last ten years studying what people say right after they say I’m not racist, but. “You don’t often hear people say ‘I’m not racist, but I’m just off to the shops to get a pint of milk’. There’s really no need to qualify your lack of racism there. Compare that with‘I’m not racist, but the bloody foreigners are ruining this country’ – clearly a more appropriate use of the phrase, as it helps to deflect the subsequent casual racism.”

The new research will certainly be a blow to casual racists across the country, who had until now been successfully disguising their intolerant xenophonic opinions with the simple four word phrase. “It’s getting harder to be a little bit racist without anyone noticing”, said Bob, 48, a simple minded bigot from Surrey. “I’m thinking of starting more sentences with ‘you people’ or ‘the trouble with this country is’ instead.”

“I always have to challenge everything anyone says”, Gator explained. “It’s my duty as a journalist. Why is the coffee pot empty? Who in power allowed that to happen? What is the future for that coffee pot? The public have a right to know the answers”.

Gator also questioned himself on the subject of his private life, saying “the public have a right to know who their news anchor really is”. Gator was unrepentant, however, defending his recent decisions, including accusing his friends of “flip-flopping” for not turning up to the pub when they said they would and asking his son if he considered his position “untenable” after he forgot his father’s birthday. “Whenever anyone says anything, anything at all, it must be challenged”, Gator told viewers. “People needs to learn that if they ever make mistakes, everyone in the world will know.”

photo credit: alexbrn

Childrens entertainer Punch today leapt to the defense of so called “Punch and Judy politics”, insisting it had been “unfairly maligned” by opponents trying to discredit him ahead of the general election in May. Speaking in South London, where he is contesting the Croydon North seat on behalf of the Seaside Puppet Party, Punch insisted that Punch And Just politics was exactly what the country needed to help it out of the current ecomomic downturn.

“Some people may call it Punch and Judy politics, but to my wife Judy and I it is more than that. It’s our way of life,” Punch explained. “Whenever disputes need to be resolved, the most effective way is nearly always to whack someone on the head for the entertainment of others. Laughter and visual comedy are a sound basis for a system of goverment.”

At today’s press conference Punch also unveiled his manifesto for the forthcoming election. Key policies objectives include telling jokes, whacking people with a stick and generally making everyone “Pleased as Punch”.

credit: gbergin

COPENHAGEN. Ice cold temperatures in Northern Europe have emerged today a major roadblock in the stalled climate change negotiations. At this afternoon’s press conference, world leaders surprised the assembled presspack by admitting they were struggling to stay focused on the matter in hand. “It’s been tough,” admitted Hilary Clinton, US Secretary of State. “People are talking about a possible rise of 1.5 to 5 degrees celsius over the next century, but it’s hard to think about that right now.We’re deadlocked on more important questions, like if we remembered to buy de-icer and if we can afford to have that central heating on for a little bit longer”.

This afternoon a spat broke out amongst attendees after a rumour circulated that heavy duty earmuffs had prevented the Chinese delegation from hearing anything that was said in the previous week. While the rumour was swiftly dismissed by the Chinese, who insist their ear warmers are of regulation width and fluffiness, the rumour was widely reported; perhaps an indication of the frosty temperature of the negotiations. “The negotiations are frosty, I’ll admit that,” said climate scientist and IPCC member John Hoffmeister. “But we’ve handed out some lovely scarves and we’ve turned the heating right up – we’re confident of a thaw soon”.

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, who has staked a lot of political capital on the negotiations, was in typically bullish mood. “These are serious people having serious discussions”, he said. “They all know how to close their eyes and go to a happy place, where it’s 30 degrees and the sun is shining. The prudent course of action here is for everyone to get their thermal undies on and damn well get on with it .”