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SHROPSHIRE. At least 114% of British citizens have no understanding of simple probability, new research published today reveals. A study undertaken by Professor Gordon Delicious, Professor of Statistical Nonsense at the University of Shropshire, looked at how well ordinary people coped with GCSE level mathematical concepts.

“The results are pretty damning”, Professor Delicious explained today. “37% of people were unable to correctly estimate the probability of rolling snake eyes with two fair dice. 54% didn’t understand how to handle probabilities of conditional events, and 23% couldn’t understand concepts of permutations and combinations. In total that gives up a surprising 114% who have made at least one kind of basic error”.

When asked why 69 million of Brtain’s 61 million iinhabitants were unable to perform the tasks, Professor Delicious suggested that education was to blame. “At least 34 children in every class of 30 are failing to learn how to interpret numbers correctly. I think you will agree that is pretty alarming.”

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SHROPSHIRE. The sell-by dates on food products can be safely extended by around two weeks, a student claimed today. Liam Madden, 20, who is studying Astrophysics with Golf Course Management at the University of Shropshire, insisted that the suggested dates were “proper cautious” and that other factors could be used to determine food edibility.

“Those dates really don’t mean anything”, Madden explained to flatmates earlier today, while tucking into a sandwich of week old bacon on two-week old bread, topped off with two-year old ketchup. “They’re just being proper cautious because they can’t cut it fine. In reality, you can just add a couple of weeks on and you’ll probably be fine. Sometimes more than that, sometimes less. It’s a judgement call.”

When challenged by disgusted flatmate Anna Jones, 19, if he was then simply planning to leave food festering in the fridge forever, Madden suggested that other proofing methods can be employed to determine if food is safe to eat. “Furriness is the obvious one”, Madden explained. “Most food that doesn’t start out furry shouldn’t become furry with time. Watch out too for things that randomly change colour, texture, start soft and get hard, start hard and get soft, or just generally smell unpleasant. ”

Madden did concede, however, that some food simply has to be thrown away. “Even in these tough economic times, a line has to be drawn somewhere. It’s up to each man to determine where that line is for himself.”

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Britain today was in the grip of seasonal weather as temperatures once again threatened to plunge as low as -2 degrees Celsius. Some forecasters are reported to be expecting the temperature to drop even further tonight, which would make this the coldest day since last Tuesday.

There has also been travel chaos right across the UK, with a train being cancelled in Scotland and a bus getting a little bit stuck on a hill in South London.

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HELSINKI. Having already given the world such trivial nonsense as the formula for creating the perfect cup of tea, the formula to find the happiest day of the year, and the “Blue Monday” formula to find the most depressing day of the year, scientists have now finally unlocked the secrets of which of these formulas contains the most useless and pointless bullshit.

The new self-referential formula was created by leading academic Olaf Bjornagen. “The formula is really quite simple”, Bjornagen explains. “It is based around a number of simple variables, such as the likelihood that the research was funded by a company with a new product to plug, and the probability that the person behind the formula is referred to as ‘a leading academic’”. Other variables Bjornagen uses include whether a PR company decided the conclusions of the research before it began, whether the formula looks pretty when written out and how quickly any sense of credibility disappears once the formula is closely scrutinized.

“The formula is really quite meticulously designed”, Bjornagen continues. “I’m really proud of the amount of ironic bullshit we were able to cram in. We also put a lot of thought into how it would look in free newspapers, how it would sound on daytime radio, and how likely people would be to retweet it. We’re also pretty confident that if you try and put any numbers into the equation, you’ll quickly discover that it contains some really nice mathematical inconsistencies and bits of broken logic.” Bjornagen was however unable to produce a copy of the formula for publication in this article, remarking that “you appear to have missed the point”.

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COPENHAGEN. Ice cold temperatures in Northern Europe have emerged today a major roadblock in the stalled climate change negotiations. At this afternoon’s press conference, world leaders surprised the assembled presspack by admitting they were struggling to stay focused on the matter in hand. “It’s been tough,” admitted Hilary Clinton, US Secretary of State. “People are talking about a possible rise of 1.5 to 5 degrees celsius over the next century, but it’s hard to think about that right now.We’re deadlocked on more important questions, like if we remembered to buy de-icer and if we can afford to have that central heating on for a little bit longer”.

This afternoon a spat broke out amongst attendees after a rumour circulated that heavy duty earmuffs had prevented the Chinese delegation from hearing anything that was said in the previous week. While the rumour was swiftly dismissed by the Chinese, who insist their ear warmers are of regulation width and fluffiness, the rumour was widely reported; perhaps an indication of the frosty temperature of the negotiations. “The negotiations are frosty, I’ll admit that,” said climate scientist and IPCC member John Hoffmeister. “But we’ve handed out some lovely scarves and we’ve turned the heating right up – we’re confident of a thaw soon”.

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, who has staked a lot of political capital on the negotiations, was in typically bullish mood. “These are serious people having serious discussions”, he said. “They all know how to close their eyes and go to a happy place, where it’s 30 degrees and the sun is shining. The prudent course of action here is for everyone to get their thermal undies on and damn well get on with it .”

When challenged on his own liberal use of expletives, Dr Sparboom was unrepentant. “My research suggests most swearing is done by stupid goddamn fuckwits”, he explained. “I don’t think my own use of swear words contradicts that theory – if anything, I think it supports it.” As evidence that he really is a total fucking pillock and a complete waste of fucking space, Dr Sparboom pointed us to his academic record, which sure enough is a total fucking embarrassment and reveals what a fucking joke the man really is.