credit: Lionoche

LIVERPOOL. Residents in the north of England were tonight warned to be on the lookout for around twenty professional footballers who escaped from Anfield this afternoon. While details of the breakout are still emerging, it is believed that the players were briefly left unsupervised and escaped through a nearby transfer window that had been left open.

Officials, however, are confident that the players can be contained and returned to the club in time for Wednesday’s home fixture with Tottenham. “We believe that they may head for Arsenal, Chelsea or even Europe”, police told reporters at a press conference at the ground this afternoon. “They will almost certainly be looking for flair, creativity and freedom of expression – to find that they will be trying to get as far away from Liverpool as possible.”

A brief statement was also read by Jamie Carragher, a Liverpool player who decided against joining the escapees, allegedly claiming that “he had nowhere else to go”. Carragher issued an impassioned plea to his fellow players, telling them to “come back and concentrate on the Europa League, before it’s too late”.

credit: sebilden

ENGLAND. Football games were cancelled right across the country today as football clubs took swift measures to ensure hapless football fans wouldn’t fall over and hit their headie-weadies and need to go crying to their mumsie-wumsies. Despite the fact that fans have had been successfully commuting to work all week, and have had no trouble getting to pubs, restaurants, shops, gyms and schools up and down the country, the clubs sensibly decided that the fans shouldn’t be such silly-billys and should instead go home and wrap themselves up in a nice warm blanket.

“The safety of the fans is our primary concern”,  a Premier League chairman told us today. “The postponements are totally unrelated to our current form on the pitch, our injury crisis, the expected low attendance and the amount of money we’ll lose from lost sales and merchandising. “

FLORIDA. The sporting world was rocked today by the news that a really rich dude has lost the sponsorship of some company you had vaguely heard of but weren’t quite sure what they did anyway. The sponsorship deal, which was worth more money than you can expect to earn in a lifetime, had been keeping a famous sportsman fed and clothed for many years, but now I dare say he will be out on the street begging for scraps.

The lost sponsorship is a crushing blow for the mega-rich superstar. Sources close to the family suggest that his destitution is now so great he might have to stop using his private plane to pop down to the shops to get a paper and a packet of fags. Today’s news also comes hots on the heels of yesterday’s announcment that another sponsor, who was a bit more famous than this one, would not be renewing their deal, explaining how that had nothing to do with the ton of bad press they had been getting, but instead was because they and their client had “grown apart”.