Human rights to be rebranded “rights for nice people like me”

WESTMINSTER. Conservative leader David Cameron today unveiled his plans to rebrand human rights legislation following the next election. Under “Conservative Rights ©”, a name he later translated as “rights for nice people like me”, Cameron announced that burglars would be the first to lose the inalienable freedoms which were granted to “all members of the human family” in the 1948 Universal Declaration of Human Rights. “Sometimes you just have to be pragmatic”, Cameron said at a press conference this afternoon. “We’re going to be withdrawing basic rights and freedoms, to which all humans are entitled, from anyone we don’t like.”

Despite revoking human rights from people who break into private homes, a crime which usually carries a prison sentence of less than three years, Cameron indicated he currently had no plans to remove human rights from murderers or other violent offenders. “Whether bad people get human rights is a matter for the tabloid press and public opinion”, Cameron explained. “When it’s time, they’ll let us know whose rights we should be taking.”

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