The Indifferent

Fiercely ambivalent since 2010

Aim low with New Year’s resolutions, resolvers told

BIRMINGHAM. People making commitments to change their behaviour in the New Year should aim for trivially easy targets to increase their chance of success, a local taxi driver told relations today.

Peter Oldham, 48, was helping himself to an additional portion of parsnips during his families traditional New Year’s Day roast when he offered the unsolicited advice to a gathering of seven or eight relatives.

“These people want to bring about serious change in their lives, for example losing lots of weight, smoking less or giving up some kind of vice”, Mr Oldham explained. “Those kind of resolutions actually require a bit of effort and that’s why people fail. They should aim for things they might actually be able to pull off, like giving up some food they don’t like.” Read the rest of this entry »

Probability misunderstood by 114% of people

3D Character and Chance
Creative Commons Licensecredit: 姒儿喵喵

SHROPSHIRE. At least 114% of British citizens have no understanding of simple probability, new research published today reveals. A study undertaken by Professor Gordon Delicious, Professor of Statistical Nonsense at the University of Shropshire, looked at how well ordinary people coped with GCSE level mathematical concepts.

“The results are pretty damning”, Professor Delicious explained today. “37% of people were unable to correctly estimate the probability of rolling snake eyes with two fair dice. 54% didn’t understand how to handle probabilities of conditional events, and 23% couldn’t understand concepts of permutations and combinations. In total that gives up a surprising 114% who have made at least one kind of basic error”.

When asked why 69 million of Brtain’s 61 million iinhabitants were unable to perform the tasks, Professor Delicious suggested that education was to blame. “At least 34 children in every class of 30 are failing to learn how to interpret numbers correctly. I think you will agree that is pretty alarming.”

Cyclist celebrates on the inside after dropping fellow commuters to earn hard-fought victory on the Col de Brixton

BRIXTON. An office worker today celebrated on the inside after overtaking eight fellow cyclists on a busy uphill road in South London. Tom Johnson, 32, was the first of the group of eight unconnected commuters to reach the top of Brixton Hill, and revealed that while it may have looked easy, a lot of effort was involved.

“My heart was beating pretty hard, but it’s important to look relaxed when you overtake people,” Johnson explained. ” You can’t let them know that you’re racing them. But everybody races sometimes.”

Johnson’s victory was all the more impressive given the calibre of the opposition, which included a woman on a shopping bike, a couple of teenagers, and a guy wearing lycra riding what looked like an a pretty expensive road bike. “It was particularly sweet to beat that guy”, Johnson added. “He looks pretty fast but he made a right mess of the traffic lights, and that cost him dear”.

Talentless amateur sportsman running out of excuses for lack of prowess

Avocado continuing to advance on unsuspecting world

inside the beast
Creative Commons License credit: Darwin Bell

LONDON. The avocado has continued its unwarranted advance on dinnerplates across the globe, new research published today has revealed.

The squishy, tastless fruit has long been a staple of guacamole and bland salads but has recently also been making significant advances in side-salads, sandwiches and burgers. Read the rest of this entry »