The Indifferent

MANCHESTER. A bored office worker today set a new timewasting record after he read 231 articles on Wikipedia in one eight hour working day. Tom Marsh, 26, estimates the feat took in the region of six and a half hours, and smashed his own record of 157 pages, set last November.

“The key to wasting that amount of time is to not be afraid of just reading about things you actually aren’t that interested in,” Marsh explained. “Just start with something you have a passing interest in, and then take something related to that, and then something related to that, and so on, and so on – until you’re reading about the Scandanavian Welface Model and you can’t remember why.”
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LONDON. The chiefs of many of Britain’s leading Trade Unions today refused to call any mad strikes or generally wind anyone up, after the Union Of Union Leaders called for an immediate strike citing a lack of respect for their members. UoUL issued a statement saying that “union leaders have been pilloried for too long … [they] deserve some damn respect and they won’t be making any unrealistic demands to employers until they get it”. Read the rest of this entry »

SHROPSHIRE. When people start a sentence with “I’m not racist, but…”, they generally tend to follow it up with something a little bit racist, it was revealed today.

“It stands to reason, when you think about it”, explained Dr. Nero Sparboom, Professor of Linguistics at Shropshire, who has spent the last ten years studying what people say right after they say I’m not racist, but. “You don’t often hear people say ‘I’m not racist, but I’m just off to the shops to get a pint of milk’. There’s really no need to qualify your lack of racism there. Compare that with‘I’m not racist, but the bloody foreigners are ruining this country’ – clearly a more appropriate use of the phrase, as it helps to deflect the subsequent casual racism.”

The new research will certainly be a blow to casual racists across the country, who had until now been successfully disguising their intolerant xenophonic opinions with the simple four word phrase. “It’s getting harder to be a little bit racist without anyone noticing”, said Bob, 48, a simple minded bigot from Surrey. “I’m thinking of starting more sentences with ‘you people’ or ‘the trouble with this country is’ instead.”

credit: cubicgarden

LONDON. A valiant but short lived attempt to save money and eat more healthily came to an end today when a local man officially ended his stint of preparing healthy lunches, returning instead to his customary ritual of selecting a packaged sandwich at random from the supermarket across the street from his office.

John Lahm, 27, from East Dulwich, South London, made the dramatic U-Turn only five days after telling friends and colleagues that he was going to make nutritious packed lunches “every day from now on”. While the extract reason for the humilating climbdown is still shrouded in mystery, sources closes to Lahm suggest that that laziness, a lack of inspiration, an absence of good ingredients in the house and a stonking hangover may all contributed to his decision.
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LOS ANGELES. A new twist emerged this morning in the ongoing debate surrounding mobile social network Foursquare, after it was revealed some burglars are using the service to lure other burglars into the open in order to “reburgle” the stuff they already burgled. Foursquare has recently been the target of criticism as it reveals the location of it’s users – information that could be of potential interest to burglars, as highlighted by websites like Please Rob Me. Now so called “reburglers” are using Foursqaure, Twitter and similar services in order to deliberately create the impression that they are not home. They then burgle the burglars when they themselves pop out to do a bit of burgling.

“Burglars tend to have a good stash of swag, on account of all the burgling they’ve been doing”, a reburglar told us. “We also know that they are big Foursquare fans, so when they check in with something like @ur house, burgling all your stuff they don’t realise we’re actually at their house burgling all the stuff they already burgled.”