credit: Darwin Bell

LONDON. The avocado has continued its unwarranted advance on dinnerplates across the globe, new research published today has revealed.

The squishy, tastless fruit has long been a staple of guacamole and bland salads but has recently also been making significant advances in side-salads, sandwiches and burgers.

“The rise in unneccessary avocado consumption has really been quite alarming”, explained Sarah Berry, Professor of Fruit at the University of Shropshire. “The number of meals with avocado in has been increasing year on year, far above the rate that we would expect for such a crappy and pointless fruit.”

Professor Berry’s research also indicated that more and more people are admitting that they like avocado: a dangerous development that Berry reads as a sign that the subversive tactics of the avocado are starting to have an effect on the population at large.

“The campaign the avocado is fighting is a smart and effective one”, Berry explained. “One day avocados will be in every meal, and people will be asking – ‘how did this happen? – but by then it will be too late.”

“It stands to reason, when you think about it”, explained Dr. Nero Sparboom, Professor of Linguistics at Shropshire, who has spent the last ten years studying what people say right after they say I’m not racist, but. “You don’t often hear people say ‘I’m not racist, but I’m just off to the shops to get a pint of milk’. There’s really no need to qualify your lack of racism there. Compare that with‘I’m not racist, but the bloody foreigners are ruining this country’ – clearly a more appropriate use of the phrase, as it helps to deflect the subsequent casual racism.”

The new research will certainly be a blow to casual racists across the country, who had until now been successfully disguising their intolerant xenophonic opinions with the simple four word phrase. “It’s getting harder to be a little bit racist without anyone noticing”, said Bob, 48, a simple minded bigot from Surrey. “I’m thinking of starting more sentences with ‘you people’ or ‘the trouble with this country is’ instead.”

When challenged on his own liberal use of expletives, Dr Sparboom was unrepentant. “My research suggests most swearing is done by stupid goddamn fuckwits”, he explained. “I don’t think my own use of swear words contradicts that theory – if anything, I think it supports it.” As evidence that he really is a total fucking pillock and a complete waste of fucking space, Dr Sparboom pointed us to his academic record, which sure enough is a total fucking embarrassment and reveals what a fucking joke the man really is.